Exploring Family History for Emotional Wellbeing and Personal and Professional Growth
At some point in life, most of us visit a doctor, dentist, optician, or nutritionist. In most instances, when filling out a form or speaking with the practitioner, we are asked about our family medical history. This helps them monitor potential health risks and guide us in avoiding anything that might be dangerous.
This principle also applies to why we study history in school. Understanding our past helps us adjust our behaviour and perception in the present, supporting us in making wiser decisions in the future.
Childhood and adolescence are the most pivotal years in shaping our emotional and relational lives. Reflecting on these formative years provides invaluable insight into our present-day behaviours. It influences everything from how we experience and express anger and deal with conflict to how confident we feel in our abilities.
There are infinite complexities, but much of this is rooted in how we were expected to behave or act and how we received—or didn’t receive—love, care, and affection during childhood and adolescence.
How Does This Knowledge Help in the Here-and-Now?
Imagine a child (A) growing up consistently being celebrated for their accomplishments, from the first time they tie their own shoelace to winning an award at school. Alongside this, they experience realistic expectations of their abilities and receive comfort and a positive “just try again” attitude when things don’t go well. The internalised belief system this child develops is that they are not only capable of achieving things, but that success is something to feel good about, and any setbacks are simply part of life—they can get back up again. “I am good enough.”
Now imagine another child (B) who is celebrated for their successes but always derided when things don’t go well. Their internalised belief system becomes: “I am only valuable if I’m successful.”
Or imagine a child (C) who is envied by a parent. Their successes are ignored, while failures are always highlighted. The internalised belief system here is: “I am a failure.”
It’s important to note that these putdowns can be subtle—expressed as passive-aggressive remarks or faux praise.
Another key point is that not all unhelpful or damaging parental patterns stem from spite or cruelty. Parents or primary caregivers may not even be fully aware they are doing it, simply passing on what happened to them and unconsciously continuing the cycle.
Still, the impact remains, and these untrue belief systems become ingrained, invisibly carried into adulthood.
A Simple Case Study
Therapy often involves looking at the past, but it is never without purpose—or at least it shouldn’t be. Exploring and uncovering ingrained childhood belief systems offers an opportunity to compassionately challenge what is unhelpful, harmful, or false.
Let’s say person B enters therapy. They are struggling with confidence at work—never daring to ask for or pursue a promotion or a raise and always worrying they are doing something wrong.
First, we explore their present-day experiences, providing a space for them to be heard and comforted. Then, we assess the actual situation—are external factors like a difficult boss at play, or is this pattern consistent in other areas of life?
For person B, the feeling of never being quite good enough and always worrying about doing something wrong has been present their whole life. With this in mind, we move backwards to gently explore childhood relationships and experiences, bringing curiosity and compassion to understand more.
Person B speaks of mostly being criticised and derided by a primary caregiver when they did things “wrong” and of being ignored when things went well. This is where we can begin to make the link from past to present and ultimately discover an ingrained belief system of “I am a failure.” Understanding this, we can begin to challenge its truth and validity while incorporating other realities that exist alongside it.
For example, they may have been well-liked among peers, excelled in a particular sport, or had a talent for drawing. A belief system formed in childhood doesn’t disappear overnight, but by consistently recognising and challenging it, new ways of thinking can take root.
Two Powerful and Actionable Steps to Create a Healthier Belief System
– Practice self-compassion when negative thoughts arise. “I recognise this voice, I understand why it’s there, but it’s not true.” Repeat this every time it appears.
– Take steps to push through uncomfortable barriers. Ask for a raise even though it doesn’t feel deserved. Ask for help from a friend even though you feel like a burden (an untrue belief system). More often than not, the outcome will be far more positive than negative. Tolerating the initial anxiety and discomfort to experience this will help strengthen a healthier belief system.
Last Thoughts
Being human is a messy process at times, and none of us get it right all the time. But we can improve our chances of living a calmer, healthier, and more congruent life by being curious about our history, challenging what is not helpful, and actively working to create healthier self-belief systems for the present and the future.